Anxiety, Depression, Health, SAHM, Self-Help

Personal Madness

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

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Image from Sir John Tenniel.

Good heavens.  And then the crazies came.  I noticed something hmmm….. maybe a year ago.  I would go through periods of time where I swear I just felt out of control.  Like I was losing my mind.  I had no patience for my children, or anyone else for that matter.  I once just lost it at one of M’s teachers at the school (sorry about that!), and I even put a policeman in his place (on two separate occasions!) while running errands, but poor G probably bears the brunt of this seemingly random madness.  Eventually over time I noticed other things too.  Sometimes I would get very very cold.  For days I would be just so very cold.  Often I felt like I had the flu, yet I was just starving.  I got headaches.  I was actually so concerned at one point I went to the doctor!  Yeah, I had PMS.  The thing is, I just had never had ANY of these kinds of symptoms before, especially all at once and certainly not this severe, ever.  Whatever hormonal changes I went through after having my third child, it was certainly a doozie.   So, now, I have my “normal” madness riddled with anxiety and whatever else and then my “extra-madness” that I’ve had to literally put on a calendar so I don’t think I’m losing my mind every 4 weeks.  Somehow I sort of forget about this madness, until I remember, if that makes sense.  I am *fantastic* at forgetting unpleasant events, people, places, etc.  I just literally somehow wipe it from my mind and will literally be unable to recall certain people or events.  Now from what I understand from my therapist, the memories of the unpleasant things are not actually gone, just buried.  Which is where my anxiety stems from.  More than anything, this is all just a nuisance.  I’ll be going along trying to deal with all of my regular stresses such as getting the children through their school projects, to and from play dates and dinner and chores done again and again, only being extremely grumpy and chilly and achey.  Yay!  O.O  I will say that the calendar thing has helped.  Drinking water helps.  Having blankets close by helps.  Exercise helps.  Sending G out for chocolate with no questions asked helps.  He has sworn not to ask for fear of losing an eyeball.  Not two eyeballs though, because then he could not help with the mons-ners.  (Entirely his fear, not my threat, pinky swear!)  Oh, where was I?  Yes, the doctor.  So I did go to the doctor and he actually gave me a medication to take when I felt like I was… um, off center?  I actually laughed in the office, but he assured me that it was better to take something for it than to go around feeling all out of control, especially when I have a lot on my plate.  Its just not safe.  I know there are so many people out there who are anti-medication and aside from vaccinations (my word, the insanity – different post), I respect that.  Maybe its not for everyone, but certainly, if there is something that is going to make *me* feel better, I want it!  One of my favorite bloggers, Glennon Melton, who I refer to often, has this to say about taking your doctor-prescribed meds, “Jesus loves me this I know, for He gave me Lexapro”.  She is a wonderful faith-loving, people-positive writer and is such an inspiration to me.  Her blog and her charity are all about spreading the love around our communities and that is what I try to focus on too.  “Do your circle”.  Remember that post?  Love your community!  Love your family!  I digress….  So, yes, my meds do help me to feel more sane when I am off-center and then even when I am more (heaven help me) off-center.  I figure this.  Everyone probably has some madness in their lives, they just don’t go around showing it all off all the time.  Now sometimes, sometimes you can’t help it when your madness is showing and you just have to shrug and say, “hey, its just me”.  I’m not saying we all have to go out and be all buddies with the mad mad people of the world, I’m just voting for understanding and forgiveness.  Maybe their madness is showing a little?

#IamAFierceMom

Kelly

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Food, Self-Help

Would you go Paleo?

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I’ve been looking at doing the “Whole 30” eating plan.  The basic premise is that you eat exculsively Paleo for 30 days with no exceptions and then you can moderately ease into a less restrictive Paleo diet.  I’ve been thinking about it 1) becasuse I have got to do something to increase my energy level and 2) I have a couple of friends who have gone “Paleo” and they love it, although they say it takes some discipline to start.  On the Whole 30 site it says, “Beating cancer is hard. Birthing a baby is hard. Losing a parent is hard. Drinking your coffee black. Is. Not. Hard.”  That’s true.  I feel like that can includes so much more in my life when I take a step back from my life “busy-ness” and look around me.  Little things can feel hard, when they disrupt our comfort.  Let’s take today for example…  I am AWFUL about getting all the tedious paperwork done for our vehicles on time.  I do it… just not on time.  I feel like that “maintenance” red light on the dashboard of my car is like a built-in back up just for me.  Its going to stay there staring at me, until I take the car in for an oil change.  Its like the car sticking its tongue out at me blowing raspberries.  So, I did that yesterday and no more red light.  Yay!  Today I took the car in for emissions testing and then to the Currency Exchange to get a current tax sticker for the car.  I cannot tell you how I dislike those shops.  They feel dirty inside.  You would think the atmosphere alone would be enough to make me send in my payment ahead of time so that I wouldn’t have to go there.  I believe that because I’m not confronted with it, I just put it out of my mind for as long as possible.  Eventually I have days like this, where I have a panic attack, lose my phone and phone cover, step on a bumblebee and then get a ticket for not having a wheel tax (??  seriously, its a thing) all in one day and I wish wish wish I had done all of my car paperwork early.  This year I’m making my wheel tax payment online.  *cheers for not having to go into a creepy building*  Anyway, my point.  All of those little things seemed so hard, but they weren’t actually hard.  I had just built them up in my head. Eating “clean” as in a Paleo plan has been built up so much, because it pretty different than what I am used to and I have convinced myself that its hard.  I’m so intrigued by it and I can’t even tell you why.  Is it because its called, “the Cave Man Diet”?  Is it because I have friends who are doing it?  Am I really that influenced by my peers?  (still?)  I have no idea.  In the meantime, I have gotten a book about it called the Paleo Manifesto by John Durant, and I’m trying to learn more about it sort of hoping it will cure my curiosity.  I don’t think I could drink my coffee black though.  I think I would have to switch to unsweetened hot tea.  As Momastery says, “we can do hard things”!!  (Even things that aren’t actually hard, but seem hard at the time.  You know what I mean.)

#BeFierce  *Tell that car paperwork or hot tea who’s boss!

#IamAFierceMom

Kelly