You’re Never Too Old To Miss Your Mom

 blue-flower-1473213-639x852

I miss my mom.  Or at least I think I miss my mom.  She passed away a few years ago – 7 actually.  Wow.  I’ve been feeling like I’m missing something lately and I think that is what it is.  I also tend to feel blue around my mother’s birthday which is coming up this week.  I’ve heard this is common among people who have lost a parent, that you can almost sense when their birthday is by how you feel.  Its a particular feeling of being sad that you can’t quite put your finger on.  There isn’t really a remedy, and after a day or so you look at a calendar and realize your parent’s birthday is coming up.  Its an odd feeling.  My mother really didn’t make a big deal of her birthday before she passed, but boy I know when it is now.  The past few years, we have had a sort of “rememberance dinner” where we share memories and tell the children what she was like and we may show pictures, etc. I am planning to do that again this year.  Usually on our “big” summer trip I visit her gravesite, but I was unable to do that this year.  There was a terrible rain storm while we were on the way north and we just couldn’t spare the time with traffic and weather combined.  One thing that I really do miss is talking with my mom.  We used to chat almost daily.  It has become, thankfully, rose colored in my memory, but I do remember how frustrated she could make me over the phone.  Our personalities were so different and we (very) often clashed horribly.  We had terrible communication made worse by physical distance and cloud of emotional memories and expectation of one another.  Still that emptiness that she left remains.  I don’t suppose it really ever goes away.  I don’t always feel this melancholy about it, but a few times a year, it does hit me.  As I’ve gotten older, I have realized that without any siblings to help me remember places, holidays or events from when I was young, the memories that I have will die with me, unless I pass them on to my children.  Unfortunately I’ve also found it very difficult to recall some things.  DH has suggested I start writing down what I can remember, which I probably should.  I don’t really have a “best friend” that I can talk to right now, DH is pretty much it.  I have many many good acquaintances and a small, very cherished handful of friends.  Most of my friends are busy with their children during the summer or you know, they work outside the home.  Its just felt a bit lonely here lately as I haven’t even been seeing many of my acquaintances regularly without the rigorous schedule of the school year in place.   This too shall pass as they say.

Be fierce.  Cherish your memories!

#IamAFierceMom

Kelly

Advertisements

Personal Madness

“But I don’t want to go among mad people,” Alice remarked.
“Oh, you can’t help that,” said the Cat: “we’re all mad here. I’m mad. You’re mad.”
“How do you know I’m mad?” said Alice.
“You must be,” said the Cat, “or you wouldn’t have come here.”
― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland

alice23a

Image from Sir John Tenniel.

Good heavens.  And then the crazies came.  I noticed something hmmm….. maybe a year ago.  I would go through periods of time where I swear I just felt out of control.  Like I was losing my mind.  I had no patience for my children, or anyone else for that matter.  I once just lost it at one of M’s teachers at the school (sorry about that!), and I even put a policeman in his place (on two separate occasions!) while running errands, but poor G probably bears the brunt of this seemingly random madness.  Eventually over time I noticed other things too.  Sometimes I would get very very cold.  For days I would be just so very cold.  Often I felt like I had the flu, yet I was just starving.  I got headaches.  I was actually so concerned at one point I went to the doctor!  Yeah, I had PMS.  The thing is, I just had never had ANY of these kinds of symptoms before, especially all at once and certainly not this severe, ever.  Whatever hormonal changes I went through after having my third child, it was certainly a doozie.   So, now, I have my “normal” madness riddled with anxiety and whatever else and then my “extra-madness” that I’ve had to literally put on a calendar so I don’t think I’m losing my mind every 4 weeks.  Somehow I sort of forget about this madness, until I remember, if that makes sense.  I am *fantastic* at forgetting unpleasant events, people, places, etc.  I just literally somehow wipe it from my mind and will literally be unable to recall certain people or events.  Now from what I understand from my therapist, the memories of the unpleasant things are not actually gone, just buried.  Which is where my anxiety stems from.  More than anything, this is all just a nuisance.  I’ll be going along trying to deal with all of my regular stresses such as getting the children through their school projects, to and from play dates and dinner and chores done again and again, only being extremely grumpy and chilly and achey.  Yay!  O.O  I will say that the calendar thing has helped.  Drinking water helps.  Having blankets close by helps.  Exercise helps.  Sending G out for chocolate with no questions asked helps.  He has sworn not to ask for fear of losing an eyeball.  Not two eyeballs though, because then he could not help with the mons-ners.  (Entirely his fear, not my threat, pinky swear!)  Oh, where was I?  Yes, the doctor.  So I did go to the doctor and he actually gave me a medication to take when I felt like I was… um, off center?  I actually laughed in the office, but he assured me that it was better to take something for it than to go around feeling all out of control, especially when I have a lot on my plate.  Its just not safe.  I know there are so many people out there who are anti-medication and aside from vaccinations (my word, the insanity – different post), I respect that.  Maybe its not for everyone, but certainly, if there is something that is going to make *me* feel better, I want it!  One of my favorite bloggers, Glennon Melton, who I refer to often, has this to say about taking your doctor-prescribed meds, “Jesus loves me this I know, for He gave me Lexapro”.  She is a wonderful faith-loving, people-positive writer and is such an inspiration to me.  Her blog and her charity are all about spreading the love around our communities and that is what I try to focus on too.  “Do your circle”.  Remember that post?  Love your community!  Love your family!  I digress….  So, yes, my meds do help me to feel more sane when I am off-center and then even when I am more (heaven help me) off-center.  I figure this.  Everyone probably has some madness in their lives, they just don’t go around showing it all off all the time.  Now sometimes, sometimes you can’t help it when your madness is showing and you just have to shrug and say, “hey, its just me”.  I’m not saying we all have to go out and be all buddies with the mad mad people of the world, I’m just voting for understanding and forgiveness.  Maybe their madness is showing a little?

#IamAFierceMom

Kelly

Looking for the light

1443400_32770093

Lately I have felt myself heading towards the whirlpool of depression.  I have been caught in a vortex somehow and I haven’t been able to wrangle myself free for a couple of weeks now, and I see myself getting deeper and deeper farther from the shore of balance.  It usually doesn’t take too much to halt my downward spiral, but I’m not particularly good at asking for help and I don’t like to talk about depression, so I’m usually very slow to emerge from the whirlpool of darkness if I have to pull myself out on my own.  One of my downward spiral “traits” is that I stop doing little self-care things for myself that improve my happiness and ward off depression and anxiety and basically just make my life easier.  Often, like now, I can tell that I’m headed into that dark spiral, but I can’t stop it.  And…. I’m not good at asking for help, so I just kind of drift off into the swirling abyss of sadness and confusion.  On the outside, I’m fine.  I have what I guess is called functional depression?  So, to the outside world, I’m just moving right along, but on the inside I’m not good.  In any case, I’ve been battling this for about 2 weeks now and a new-ish friend casually asked why I hadn’t been going to my “self-care mom group” (basically a support group for SAHMs), and I mentioned that I had just been rather melancholy and hadn’t felt like going out a lot.  (This was a step in the right direction for me because normally, I would have made something up.)  So, this morning, I got a text from the aforementioned friend asking if I was going to group today and I thought about it and mustered up the “umph” to text back that “yes”, I was going.  Really, that’s all it took.  I feel better.  I’m not absolutely out of the vortex, but I’m headed in the direction of the shore.  I even got to the gym.  Taking that first step is often the hardest for me.  Hearing that someone, anyone out there has noticed, remembered or cared is often all it takes to give me a little push towards the light.  Why is that light so hard to find sometimes??  I have a strong belief that depression is often due to a chemical imbalance, so when my chemicals get more off kilter than usual, I find myself in the darkness again.  So, notes to self:  #reachout  #lookforthelight

Be fierce.  Find the light.

#IamAFierceMom

Kelly