I miss my mom. Or at least I think I miss my mom. She passed away a few years ago – 7 actually. Wow. I’ve been feeling like I’m missing something lately and I think that is what it is. I also tend to feel blue around my mother’s birthday which is coming up this week. I’ve heard this is common among people who have lost a parent, that you can almost sense when their birthday is by how you feel. Its a particular feeling of being sad that you can’t quite put your finger on. There isn’t really a remedy, and after a day or so you look at a calendar and realize your parent’s birthday is coming up. Its an odd feeling. My mother really didn’t make a big deal of her birthday before she passed, but boy I know when it is now. The past few years, we have had a sort of “rememberance dinner” where we share memories and tell the children what she was like and we may show pictures, etc. I am planning to do that again this year. Usually on our “big” summer trip I visit her gravesite, but I was unable to do that this year. There was a terrible rain storm while we were on the way north and we just couldn’t spare the time with traffic and weather combined. One thing that I really do miss is talking with my mom. We used to chat almost daily. It has become, thankfully, rose colored in my memory, but I do remember how frustrated she could make me over the phone. Our personalities were so different and we (very) often clashed horribly. We had terrible communication made worse by physical distance and cloud of emotional memories and expectation of one another. Still that emptiness that she left remains. I don’t suppose it really ever goes away. I don’t always feel this melancholy about it, but a few times a year, it does hit me. As I’ve gotten older, I have realized that without any siblings to help me remember places, holidays or events from when I was young, the memories that I have will die with me, unless I pass them on to my children. Unfortunately I’ve also found it very difficult to recall some things. DH has suggested I start writing down what I can remember, which I probably should. I don’t really have a “best friend” that I can talk to right now, DH is pretty much it. I have many many good acquaintances and a small, very cherished handful of friends. Most of my friends are busy with their children during the summer or you know, they work outside the home. Its just felt a bit lonely here lately as I haven’t even been seeing many of my acquaintances regularly without the rigorous schedule of the school year in place. This too shall pass as they say.
Be fierce. Cherish your memories!