Lately I have felt myself heading towards the whirlpool of depression. I have been caught in a vortex somehow and I haven’t been able to wrangle myself free for a couple of weeks now, and I see myself getting deeper and deeper farther from the shore of balance. It usually doesn’t take too much to halt my downward spiral, but I’m not particularly good at asking for help and I don’t like to talk about depression, so I’m usually very slow to emerge from the whirlpool of darkness if I have to pull myself out on my own. One of my downward spiral “traits” is that I stop doing little self-care things for myself that improve my happiness and ward off depression and anxiety and basically just make my life easier. Often, like now, I can tell that I’m headed into that dark spiral, but I can’t stop it. And…. I’m not good at asking for help, so I just kind of drift off into the swirling abyss of sadness and confusion. On the outside, I’m fine. I have what I guess is called functional depression? So, to the outside world, I’m just moving right along, but on the inside I’m not good. In any case, I’ve been battling this for about 2 weeks now and a new-ish friend casually asked why I hadn’t been going to my “self-care mom group” (basically a support group for SAHMs), and I mentioned that I had just been rather melancholy and hadn’t felt like going out a lot. (This was a step in the right direction for me because normally, I would have made something up.) So, this morning, I got a text from the aforementioned friend asking if I was going to group today and I thought about it and mustered up the “umph” to text back that “yes”, I was going. Really, that’s all it took. I feel better. I’m not absolutely out of the vortex, but I’m headed in the direction of the shore. I even got to the gym. Taking that first step is often the hardest for me. Hearing that someone, anyone out there has noticed, remembered or cared is often all it takes to give me a little push towards the light. Why is that light so hard to find sometimes?? I have a strong belief that depression is often due to a chemical imbalance, so when my chemicals get more off kilter than usual, I find myself in the darkness again. So, notes to self: #reachout #lookforthelight
Be fierce. Find the light.