And then…. there were smiley faces. My inner ear infection is lots better thank goodness. I am so glad I called the doc again to ask if there was anything else they could do! There was! Woot! Much less dizziness = happy faces. Ahem. So, you know all that “being off my game” for a few days got me thinking about how it makes ME feel to be a SAHM who also, happens to be laying on the couch. Ok, so I had a very good reason, I could not really walk straight lines very well for several of those days, but still. There is something about being a SAHM to me, where I feel like I have to prove my worth constantly. I have to prove that I’m worth ‘being cared for’ by someone else, even though I definitely do work. Its just in the home. With the children. So, when I lose control of my home environment like that and I’m just “down”, I feel horrible guilt. In my head, a little voice says well maybe I maybe could be up and running around if I could just try harder, or I could have more energy (even with an infection) if I would just put my mind to it. That’s almost never the case. I work myself harder than anyone else probably could. And I like my situation. I enjoy getting Miss. S dressed in the mornings and putting her in cute clothes and putting her hair up and scooting her out the door to the bus while she’s chanting, “Look there’s the bus! There’s the bus!!”, as if she’s never seen if before. I enjoy the chaos of the multi-door-drop off for my boys at their school, its one of my favorite things to complain about. Ha! (no, really, it kind of is. That and the weather.) Anyway, its all the little things that I love – putting notes in lunch boxes, seeing my oldest get better at doing homework on his own, spying on the boys bird watching outside from the porch. (They are so funny!) And I’m willing to do the hard work that goes with it, in order to enjoy that privilege: coercing my oldest and ASD child into sitting in a chair during his sunday school class (instead of walking around the room carrying the chair for example), meeting with his teachers and support network at the school to keep him on track academically, putting to bed 3 tired children most nights of the week on my own including toothbrush fights, squished bananas in odd places and endless dishes at the end of the night. So why do I feel so guilty when I get sick? Is it a societal thing? If I were sick and working outside of the home I would still have to stay home… would that be ok then because I would be getting sick pay? I would still have to pay for childcare so I wouldn’t be accruing anymore money… Why is that so engrained in my head? I did lose control of the house this weekend (and last weekend I think) due to this dizziness, but I seem to be gathering it all back together again. Upward and onward I suppose. Mom guilt does not equal smiley faces. 😦 Boo.
Be fierce! Say no to guilt!