The Man Burns in 5 Days…. and its the First Day of School

Like my title?  Worlds colliding!  *crash!!*  Ahem.  Anyway.  Um, so….. yeah, lots and lots and LOTS of people (approx. 35K) are on the way to Burning Man.  If that’s you, you can get traffic updates on Highway 447 and wait times at the gate from 94.5 FM BMIR.  Right now the wait time at the gate is 27 MILES long.  (as of 1 AM Central time) Yah.  Alrighty then.  That crowd includes a nice handful of my friends and dear Hubby of course.  Dear Hubby is on the way and should arrive early early Monday morning.  He called this evening because he may lose reception before he gets too far.  So, its just me then!

First Day of School for my kiddos and everyone around here is tomorrow!  (woo-HOO!!)  Except for Miss. S who starts in about a week and a half – preschool has a bit of a different schedule.  I’ve got bags of school supplies, backpacks and lunch bags ready to go!  My new home schedule is printed out and waiting for me.  I’ve got the coffee maker ready to go in the AM.  Now, if I could just get my attitude adjusted we’d be all set.  I’ve just, I don’t know, had a hard time getting over the fact that I feel so dissed by the help that I was supposed to have over this period of time, so when its gotten really hard (like this weekend  :::deep breath:::), that’s where my mind goes.  Beating that dead horse.  I know.  I do.  Still, I have felt so very alone and I have to remind myself that my feelings are valid.  Its so easy for someone “looking in” from the outside to just casually mention that I should get over it and that I should be “just fine” at handling all of this.  Its much different when you’re IN it.  My first thought is “really?  Can you do this?  I doubt that”. Its OK to feel how I feel, this is very hard.  By feeling alone, I don’t mean that I don’t have friends, or truly a great support network here – that’s what has kept the anxiety monster at bay for the most part and kept me afloat.   I just mean, that the responsibility is all mine, its a lot of hours of no adult conversation or interaction except with the mons-ners, which are lovely, don’t get me wrong, but sometimes I do hit my limit on talking about the finer points of ponies and fart jokes.

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School supplies!!  SHARPENED pencils!! 80 of them!!  I have the blisters to prove it!! 

 

Today was the first time I had ever taken the children to church by myself.  I wasn’t too concerned because they’re used to going there, used to the people, it feels comfortable, etc.  Except all the change that is about to happen this week.  Its like the mons-ners are all jittery and nervous on the inside and its just seeping out.  (the Sunday school teacher actually pulled me out of the sanctuary today to “speak” to me about M’s behavior.  Dammit.  Really??  Right now??  THIS week?  To his credit, this has actually never happened before.  (and his aide wasn’t there.  He usually has an aide in church, isn’t that nice??)

M has such a hard time with transitions.  I swear you don’t even have to tell him its coming, he can smell it, or sense it, something.  He knows.  And its when he gets in his little “autistic funks” that I can sometimes really get a glimpse into how his brain sorts things.  He IS smart, its just organized differently.  During a particularly disfunctional moment Saturday I was asking him if he remembered his teacher’s name, the door he should use, etc.  “Yes, yes, but mom, what is my room number?”  Um, yeah, I don’t have any idea.  #momfail.  But I will find out!  And write it on his hand.  During one of more hysterical moments this weekend involving a gigantic container of peanuts (don’t ask), M came up and calmly offered to help me find the lid and put everything away, just as if I wasn’t shrieking at the top of my lungs and dashing about like a looney toons character.  Yup.  He just doesn’t see/feel the emotion of that.  He sees that its a problem and I am upset and instead of shrinking back like my 2 other neurotypical children who were probably sure that mommy had actually lost it time, he just offered to help me and he did and then went on about his business just like I was as normal as ever.  This isn’t the first time he has done this when I am losing it, but it is the first time in a while.  Its almost comforting.  

Speaking of comfort, this weekend was particularly hard since I haven’t felt too well on top of everything and then I fell (I know, I know!) and hurt my foot pretty good, so I have just been focused on getting tasks done ie. laundry, dishes, school prep, and trying to give some myself some easy comforts like easy meals to get through this part.  Hopefully as of tomorrow I can really get back to the shopping for real meals and cooking.

I apologize for the whiney post.  I’m working on the attitude thing.  Maybe my exercise class tomorrow AM will help to change my perspective.  

Anyway.  Get out there and get your kiddos to school!  Find those room numbers!!  Let’s get coffee!!

Be fierce.  

:::::omg with the bagpipes on BMIR right now.  Woah.::::

#IamAFierceMom

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